How to Be A Successful Blogger: A Study

I have once again decided to comment on Blogging. I do hope that my readers (my sister, and maybe Jamie, the only ones who read my blog) that they are not tired of my insatiable fascination with the world of blogging.

There is just so much interesting things to say about it!

For instance, what drives a person to sit down and write about themselves, and their views certain particular topics? Does anyone really care?

The answer is a resounding: yes! (punctuation correct here? Jamie help me out.)

Why? Well, for one thing I can go to my friends blog and hear all about their life without ever actually talking to them!

How convenient! No awkward questions, no probing for the details of ones day. All you do is read. Even if we are all deaf and dumb we would know just as much if not more than we do now about each others lives.

But there is a relaxing effect to blogging. It allows one to express oneself to the world without anyone ever seeing it. Just releasing your thoughts into cyberspace that the hope that someone reads it.

However, there are some bloggers who not only get read, they become famous. I do not intend on becoming famous nor do I expect to have more than 5 people even know that I have a blog.

So, after some thinking I have arrived at some necessary attributes to be a successful blogger. And what do I mean by successful you ask?

I have no idea.

1. A successful blogger must write as to seem way more intelligent than he is in real life. So ridiculously intelligent that after the reader is finished with the blog he wonders why this person isn't writing novels or trying out for Jeopardy.

He must use words like: "insatiable", "morbid", "finical", and "incipient". If you talk to one of these bloggers in real life you will see that they are quiet, reserved and quite hobbity. :)

In addition to writing like Thomas Jefferson, the blogger must reference things so obscure in their blog that no normal person would know. This includes, surnames and cabalistic facts that a not even handful of people on earth know.

This would include the Godhead and perhaps Chuck Norris.

2. A successful blogger must make at least 7 posts a day about things so insignificant that even the blogger himself finds them painfully difficult to write about, let alone be interested in. This includes random pieces of news, insignificant events in one's life and so forth. I have included an example below.

Need a new pair of shoes

I was watching Forrest Gump and there is a line that stuck out at me like a sore thumb. "Mama said that sometimes you just have to put the past behind you. I think that's why I was running."I think that was part of the reason I ran a few years ago. I need to start running again.

Just in case your wondering this is a real blog.

As of now I don't have anymore characteristics of a blogger but I'm sure there are more.

This will most likely be my last satire on the blogging lifestyle. I have moved on to bigger and better things. Actually I've just run out of funny things to say about it. :)

Have a Merry, Merry Brandybuck Christmas!

So, a few days ago someone asked me if I knew that I looked like a Hobbit.

"Yes," I said. "And thank you! Thank you so much for your uplifting and confidence building words! May you spread such cheery and Christ-like love to with all those whom you associate with!"

But this wasn't the first time this happened. It has happened lots of times. Mostly by girls.

So, to settle this once and for all I have prepared a short experiment:





May the reader decide for himself. Those of you who think I look like a Hobbit please make yourself known by responding to this post.

Please leave your name, phone number, physical address, (P.O. boxes not acceptable), times you're at home (alone).....

OK, so people tell me that it's not so bad to look like a hobbit, or in other words Dominic Monaghan, also known from the hit TV show Lost.

They tell me he is handsome and that it's some sort of compliment.

I refer you to the photo above.

Well, maybe it's not so bad to look like a Hobbit. I guess what that means is that I don't have to worry about a Halloween costume for the next 70 years.

Also, uhhhh....that's it. I really can't think of any other reasons. I don't really mind though. I really don't.

Really.

OK, I do.

If you see me on the street be careful about what you say.

I might throw my little hobbitty body at you.

;)

Chronicles of a Wrecking Yard

So I went to the wrecking yard today to get some parts for my car. My front passenger turn single was ripped of in a disastrous turn maneuver near my home. I also needed some minor cables that could only be purchased at a wrecking yard.

So, I found one in Orem called Duane's Auto Wrecking.

I have never been to a wrecking yard before but my expectations were all but surpassed as I ventured into a dungy, grease ridden manor with the customer service from hell.

OK, OK it wasn't that bad. I'm a guy, so I was drawn in by its filthiness and horrible customer service.

I went up to the desk and spoke to a Charlie. It was like pulling teeth to get someone to talk me. After my experience, I have written a short introduction that every associate in a wrecking yard and memorize and use to greet customers:

"Hi! Welcome to our Rat Infested Hole, where we sell parts of cars bashed beyond recognition, stored in no particular order, in our ridiculously large lot behind our office.

We won't help you find what you need. In fact we really don't care if you find what your looking for at all! All we care about is that we get through this day without having a heart attack or losing our mind.

If you need anything, anything at all, please don't hesitate to get it yourself. Oh, and good luck asking one of us a question, cause we only respond if you speak in a mountain-man voice with a frown.

We also enjoy confusing you. If you think you know cars, keep in mind we know more than you. So we will gauge your car knowledge and then speak to you one level higher than you can understand as to make you feel like a shmutz.

Please take note that we don't wear name tags or names on jackets. This is so you cannot call back and complain about a specific person.

Duane's Auto Wrecking. the happiest place on earth. (Also a great place for a date!)

Richard Dutcher and the Evil Eye

Now that I have started a blog, I feel strangely important. For instance, right now I am sitting in a quaint little cafe in the town of Bordeaux with a cup of hot chocolate and a muffin. The sweet aroma of coffee and French pastries fills the air as I divulge my deepest and darkest secrets to no one. That's right, no one reads my blog.

And I'm not in Bordeaux. I don't even now how to say that. Not only that I'm not even in a cafe. I'm at Zupas. In Provo.

And I'm by myself.

So now that the secret is out, I still feel strangely important. That is the power of the blog.

My mom sent me a delightful video yesterday, please enjoy:





Let the poor kid eat his ice cream for Pete's sake!

I have a question. How the heck did they teach this kid to do this? How did they discover this fantastic talent?

He'll be walking down the street at 34 years old and someone will see him and say "Give me the evil look!" and he'll stop what he's doing, turn and give that look and then keep on walking.

I met Richard Dutcher yesterday. For those of you who may not know who that is, (OK so that would be everyone) he is the director of God's Army and States of Grace (God's Army II). My agency is doing the website for the new movie Fallen.

When I walked in to the their office, (a secret location on the corner of 1st and 3rd east in Provo) I immediately sensed the essence of creativity and genius. When I met Richard (yes we are on a first name basis) he was caring a baseball bat, which was needles to say a little intimidating.

We talked business for a few minutes and after I told him that his caring a baseball bat was reminiscent of Tom Cruise in The Firm. He said, "Oh yeah? Well it reminds me of The Untouchables, where Capone it to bash someone in the head."

That ended that.

Well, to be completely honest, I have no idea why I'm doing this other than the fact that my blog looks cool and everyone seems to have one. In addition, most bloggers do not publicly announce that they have a blog, which seems weird but also makes sense. I will join the hoard of anonymous and silent bloggers who day after day fight the battle of the mundane and humdrum by sharing their stories with the rest of the world. I hope that this blog can be somewhat entertaining and mostly fun. Here goes.....